The Middle Aged Gap Year

Remember Elaine: “They’re eating shrimp up here!”

I was, in fact, eating prawns.  Probably 11pm at night on the first leg out of Sydney and I was tucking into my entree of tingling prawns on Emirates flight to Dubai, Seat 1A.  The champagne was Dom Perignon vintage 2015.  I forgot to order caviar, probably just as well as I’d already eaten a snack of a club sandwich and fries in the Qantas first class lounge before I left.  Then I ate a duck breast in tamarind sauce accompanied by a fine burgundy, then went to sleep, tucked into a bed with a little mattress and a duvet.  I woke up for a shower in the little onboard bathroom, some breakfast, and leg 1 was done.

It’s this kind of thing that makes me understand why people want to eat the rich.

It’s a whole other world when you turn left – there’s a peculiar aura in business class that mixes entitlement, smugness and the bone deep jaded fatigue of business travel with the occasional whiff of excitement from honeymooners, retirees on a toot, and first timers.  The chairs are wider and comfortable, you can sleep, the food is generally good, the wine is better and it is somehow acceptable to climb into a pair of ill fitting polyester sweat pants and matching top provided by the airline and parade them in public.  The ratio of people to bathrooms is decent although somehow there still always seems to be a queue.  You walk the gauntlet of people boarding in group P or whatever as you push to the front at the gates to board at anytime – everyone has got to think you are a wanker, no?  But then you find yourself side-eying people who have access to premium boarding but aren’t sitting in business class and who are clogging up your entry, so maybe wanker is the right description!

First class is a level of smugness above.  So bourgeoisie!  I do always wonder who exactly is up here – anyone truly truly rich rich is presumably on their own private jet.  Most listed companies don’t pay for first class for executives anymore, and neither they should.  So is anyone actually paying the fare, or is everyone freeloading on points like me?  I am not sure if I should admit this in public in case it’s used against me in the inevitable class war, but I haven’t had to fly economy long haul since 2015, and that was an accidental booking that I quickly addressed for the return leg.  I have travelled so much for work over the past 25 years that I have either added a holiday to the end of a work trip or had FF points galore to redeem.  I dread the day I run out and have to actually pay for a ticket, but in the meantime I plan to have fun*.

To which end – this was my first time Emirates First Class**, and I give it 4.5/5 stars.

• The service is just right – unobtrusive, friendly, without the touch of smarminess and sycophancy mixed with sniffy dismissal that I got the last time I flew Qantas first
• The shower was a fun experience.  Slight fright when turbulence hit and I was naked, wet and slippery and had no chance of getting back to my seat without causing public outrage, but fortunately it passed quickly.
• Suite didn’t feel much larger than the business class seats, but the privacy doors were great and the bed was very comfortable
• Mini bar well stocked with snacks
• Fresh, hand rolled sushi at the first class lounge at concourse B was delicious, and I got a free foot massage
• The slippers provided were great and well fitting, but some points deducted for the fact the women’s pyjamas have no pockets but the men’s do.  WHY!?
• Wifi – and I can’t believe I’m adding this to the list of complaints – didn’t work on the way to Rome

*I ate the caviar for lunch on the way to Rome along with more champagne at 930am in the morning

**The fact I have more than one first class experience to compare is probably another reason I’ll be against the wall when the revolution comes – although I “Turned Left” in that sense long ago, classic Woke Champagne Socialist in Seat 1A here!